Please stand by ~

To Higher-Ups:

The Technical Team has noted serious technical difficulties with Blog entitled “Vapor and Flow,” with no forward (or backward) movement observed since mid-January. Blog is currently parked in the Driver’s front yard, where it seems to be accumulating trash. Driver has not yet had it put up on blocks, but Technical Team is on alert.

Team suspects a problem with the fuel injection system, though without hands-on investigation it is impossible to tell whether the gasoline tank might simply be empty. Team had noted some juddering of the steering wheel, accompanied by slightly erratic driving, in December and early January, indicating the need for immediate tire rotation and rebalancing. In addition, tires should be checked for wear. Driver has done none of this.

Driver herself, rather than repairing the Blog or addressing various ethical quandaries in her life at the moment, has become obsessed with the dog urine stains in her carpeting and the possibility of replacing the carpeting with something that can simply be hosed down. She daily repeats a monologue that always begins the same way (“I can’t stand this! What am I going to DO?”) and ends the same way (“But how would they move the piano?”). Technical Team estimates that said piano, a tall, ancient upright, weighs slightly more than a Volkswagen Beetle, flower holder included. Unlike a Beetle, the piano would probably not float, although Team finds this an intriguing question and would very much like to be notified of the results of any experiments along these lines. LOL.

Excuse us, that was unprofessional on our part. To continue, Driver also appears obsessed with a new personal best in Scrabble: her highest-ever non-bingo word score (GAZEBO, 84 points). While interesting numerically, this is judged by Team to be a rather trivial achievement in the grand scheme of things and recommends that Driver should just Get Over It.

Excuse us, please ignore editorial comment. Finally, Technical Team notes that on multiple occasions recently Driver has stated that she “dodged a bullet” because the voice student portion of a recent music recital was cancelled. This comment has been flagged for further analysis, but Team can only assume that someone slated to attend said recital was prepared to use firearms in the event of Driver singing. Team has insufficient information to gauge (pun! LOL) the appropriateness of the posited firearm use.

Excuse us again; Technical Team is fatigued and too easily amused. Team judges that Driver is currently earning A’s in Reading and Scrabble (quantity only), D’s in Physical Therapy and Caregiving, and F’s in Voice Lessons (lack of practice), Problem Resolution (dithering), Diet Remediation (inaction), Photography (inaction), and Blog Repair (inaction and negligence). Given this poor functioning, Driver’s hair looks better than might be expected, although Team is not well trained in assessing such matters.

In conclusion, Technical Team advises continued close monitoring of Blog and Driver, with future updates as necessary.

—Submitted February 23, 2014, ungodly hour of the morning
(Technical Team wishes to note that it has worked overtime on this report and would like to be duly compensated. Thank you.)

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Some things I never thought I’d say ~

All teenagers, however precocious, are shortsighted. It can’t be helped. As a teenager, I never would have thought I’d say any of these things.

  1. “I’ll have the broccoli.”
    (I’m not sure I ever saw broccoli until I left home. My mother never acknowledged its existence, or that of most other vegetables. I’m still confident I will never eat turnips, beets, rutabagas, chard, or many other healthful things. That goes double for kale, the celebrity vegetable du jour.)
  2. “I’m here to get my ears pierced.”
    (When I was in my mid-30s, two friends of mine finally dragged me to the mall to undergo this rite of passage. Convinced that it would hurt like hell, I’d never worked up the courage on my own.)
  3. “Okay, I’ll sing in the recital.”
    (I have terrible performance anxiety. In high school I had two mandatory piano recitals. Knowing I’d play worse if my parents were there, I banned them from attending either one.)
  4. “Let’s go ahead and color my hair.”
    (My parents derided women who tried to disguise their age by coloring their hair. Of course, that was before women of all ages, not to mention teenagers, began coloring their hair just for fun. When you don’t have much to feel good about physically, it’s a real boost to know that most people guess you’re at least 10 years younger than you really are. I’ll take it.)
  5. “Is a biopsy really necessary? It isn’t cancer.”
    (For years and years, before I began taking antianxiety medication, I was convinced that “it,” whatever it might be at the moment, was cancer. Unless it was heart disease.)
  6. “I do.”
    (I was adamant that I would never marry, although I wanted a lifelong relationship. I figured my soulmate and I would just live together. So why, when I was semi-proposed to, did I say okay, without any meaningful reflection whatsoever? Simple: I was still a teenager.)